I survived

I wish that I could say that I celebrated another birthday yesterday, but I can't. It took everything I had to just survive the day. When I first met my biological aunt, she told me that she had only seen her husband cry twice. One of the times being when the nurses rushed me out of the delivery room. Men don't usually just cry like that, so it must have really hurt I imagine it also, must have been very painful for my birth mom and one of the worst days of her life. So, really, how can I celebrate? I feel like it'd be like dancing on someone's grave. I didn't always feel like this. When I was away at college, I threw a party for myself every year. Then came reunion. It brought out a lot of feelings that I didn't know I had and I also learned more of the story. It's just one of those things that once you know, you just can't go back. I can never "un" know it.

I hate crying, and every year I cry for days. I cry because I want to see my birth mom, want to see my aunt and for the all the stupid mistakes I wish I could undue. I cry for the pain that the day may bring to someone else, that I can't help but feel like I caused. It's really painful for me; it hurts really bad and it's all so hard to explain. It hurts worse than when I think about my dad who died when I was six. My birthday is over, and it still hurts like hell. My mom doesn't understand it. AT ALL. She actually tried to tell me to go to the doctor. (there's no pain pills for this kind of pain) She always tries her damned best to make it a good day for me though. I just can't get her to understand that money, gifts, food, etc. can't make it better. My mom gave me A LOT of money, and I feel guilty, because first, I don't really need it, and second, I know that she doesn't have a lot.

Thank God for sleep! Somehow, I was able to sleep until 4:00pm yesterday. That was a gift in itself, as it left me with less time to have to think! It's times like these, when I wish I could drink without puking. I think I'd have stayed drunk the whole day.