I survived

I wish that I could say that I celebrated another birthday yesterday, but I can't. It took everything I had to just survive the day. When I first met my biological aunt, she told me that she had only seen her husband cry twice. One of the times being when the nurses rushed me out of the delivery room. Men don't usually just cry like that, so it must have really hurt I imagine it also, must have been very painful for my birth mom and one of the worst days of her life. So, really, how can I celebrate? I feel like it'd be like dancing on someone's grave. I didn't always feel like this. When I was away at college, I threw a party for myself every year. Then came reunion. It brought out a lot of feelings that I didn't know I had and I also learned more of the story. It's just one of those things that once you know, you just can't go back. I can never "un" know it.

I hate crying, and every year I cry for days. I cry because I want to see my birth mom, want to see my aunt and for the all the stupid mistakes I wish I could undue. I cry for the pain that the day may bring to someone else, that I can't help but feel like I caused. It's really painful for me; it hurts really bad and it's all so hard to explain. It hurts worse than when I think about my dad who died when I was six. My birthday is over, and it still hurts like hell. My mom doesn't understand it. AT ALL. She actually tried to tell me to go to the doctor. (there's no pain pills for this kind of pain) She always tries her damned best to make it a good day for me though. I just can't get her to understand that money, gifts, food, etc. can't make it better. My mom gave me A LOT of money, and I feel guilty, because first, I don't really need it, and second, I know that she doesn't have a lot.

Thank God for sleep! Somehow, I was able to sleep until 4:00pm yesterday. That was a gift in itself, as it left me with less time to have to think! It's times like these, when I wish I could drink without puking. I think I'd have stayed drunk the whole day.

Baby Stealers

I just turned the tv on 20/20, and oh my gosh, it was about adoption. Ugh! I wish I could quit finding these stupid shows. Like an idiot, I sat and watched it. It was kind've like trying not to look at a train wreck. Anyhow, this 16 year old girl was interviewing couples who wanted to adopt. She semi-settled on one couple. Before she could make up her mind, she gave birth. Once she saw the baby, she began to change her mind. The girl's mom started second-guessing the decision. She was waiting on her husband to say they could keep him. Sadly, he never gave his ok. There was a part in the show that truely made me sick. While this poor girl was making the hardest decision of her life, the couple sat for hours across the hall in another room like they were waiting on their prey. OMG! I thought I was going to puke! The term "Baby Stealers" came to my mind. The girl did end up religuising her rights to her baby. Too sad!

Thanks for nothing!

When I was in middle school and high school, there was an older girl at church, Heather, who was really nice to me. I recently found her on facebook. When I was sharing some of what's wrong w/ me, she told me that she knew when I was a kid, that something wasn't right. At the time, Heather wasn't much more than a kid herself. This makes me question, what about all the adults in my life? Surely, they knew; it wasn't hidden. I can't understand why they did nothing to intervene. There's no way to know, but maybe I wouldn't be as bad off now, had someone helped me back then. I guess it was a lot easier for them to point fingers at me and constantly remind me about all the things I did wrong. This makes me sick, sick, sick.

"Oh, but he really wanted one"

A couple nights ago, I was telling my mom how stupid I felt when I found my first mom, having to tell her that I had a schizophrenic dad who killed himself and a mother who beat me. She couldn't quite figure out how that could affect my first mom being able to deal. Personally, I think it's pretty self-explanatory. One of the first things she said, and shit, it's what she always has to hurry up and throw out there is, "It's not my fault". Well, honestly, whether it's her fault or not is debatable, but that's for another day. When I asked her why she would adopt a baby with a mentally ill man, she said, "Because he really wanted one". Ok, so now I feel like a fucking dog! You know how people will run out and get a dog or cat "because they really want one", and then a couple years later they're done with it? Well, I would be like that dog. She even had the nerve to tell me that it was only MY opinion that people with severe mental illness shouldn't adopt! It was hard to refrain from smacking this woman! Shit, I have "Get Well From The Psych Hospital" cards mixed in w/ my baby book!

What the hell is wrong with some people? I hate, hate, hate people who can't seem to look beyond their own wants, and think about how what they want, might negatively effect someone else! So many adoptees are screwed up because of their adoptive parents' selfish desires, and then people can't understand why in the world we would want to find our birth families. For God's Sake! People need to get a clue.

Not Ready to Make Nice

This goes out to some of the folks in my life...

Not Ready to Make Nice
Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting

I’m through with doubt
There’s nothing left for me to figure out
I’ve paid a price
And I’ll keep paying

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I know you said
Can’t you just get over it
It turned my whole world around
And I kind of like it

I made my bed and I sleep like a baby
With no regrets and I don’t mind sayin’
It’s a sad sad story when a mother will teach her
Daughter that she ought to hate a perfect stranger
And how in the world can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they’d write me a letter
Sayin’ that I better shut up and sing
Or my life will be over

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting

Ugh! It's Everywhere!

Adoption that is. A while ago, I was searching the guide on tv for something to watch. The most interesting (boring) thing I could find was a rerun of the old show Trapper John, MD. The show is kind've like ER and I remember watching it when I was a small kid. Anyhow, I was sitting here only half watching and I heard the word "adoption". It turned out that a lady who worked at the hospital and her husband, were wanting to adopt a little boy named Ricky. How cute, right? Ugh! I wanted to puke.

I tried for quite some time to keep a blog about adoption reunion. However, there's nothing happening on that front, so I decided to start one about my everyday life.